ersante.com

Actually I don’t know what to write tonight…but I don’t know; why I write anyway? Probably because that: I’m in Love. And the person who took my heart; disappear into thin air…I love her so much. My heart keep calling her every second (or even millisecond); in my life, in my sleep. My face resemble a pale feature. Although I walk and look alive as everyone else, but the truth is: I’m not. I have reached the level where I don’t actually care whenever I still woke up the next time I sleep. In my sleep, I’m in pain. In my wake, I’m in pain. Since I was a child, I’ve been dreaming of some woman who can truly make me fall in love - spend my life with her, take care of her, cook with her, story-telling with her, on vacation with her, share my dream and hopes, love her…LOVE her…but when she truly appears in my life, she took my heart, ran away with it and disappear into nothingness; as though nothing worth it, nothing important has come out between us, our fate of meeting is just a coincidence - nothing more than that. I’m just some guy by the street that can be forgotten when time passes by…I’m no difference than those who are at low level self-esteem. I’m someone who can be erased just by going out with some security guard or somebody husband. That’s the woman I love after 30 years of waiting, hoping and preparing.

Now I have (a lot of) money….I can make more and more. But the pain that struck me, makes me spend more and more. My money disappear into thin air…That should have been my marriage for happiness money…but now it became an income for my self-destruct. I don’t feel the money. I don’t feel encourage seeing those money pour in everyday into my account. I even let $60 - $90 burn away into someone else account (which is; my money - a one day income) without bother to ask that person about it. My family think I’m a successful- to-be-businessman. Yes. I am. But becoming that person has its price to pay - and that is to be me…

Note: You’re a good and loving woman. Deep down inside; I know you are…It is just my frustration that picture you bad…happy burthday (my love…I’m in tears.)

That is what I write (carved?) at my desk, tonight. To remember myself not to go and see this guy if nothing really important occurred. He is one of my long time best friend. His home is just ‘across the street’ (nearby). We seldom met and that got to stop. At least, on my part, I must try avoiding him at much cost. Because he never grew up. He’s a good guy but at the same time; a very bad guy…(bad enough to have experience spending time in jail.) I could say that; we’ve been friends enough to see each other downfall and getting up. The problem is; this guy always, I mean always, talk crap. All his says is meaningless! By the time I decided to wrote this, then you know that I have reached my fed-up level to the limits! I’m beginning to hate him. I hate his smile. I hate his voice. I hate his story which is full of fantasy with almost zero doing. Both of us is a grown up adult (with lots of grey hair coming up) but still; he’s trapped in the papa telling you a bedtime story. He got wife and kids, but his life resemble those who doesn’t. Shit! I really hate him tonight. He even have the gut to call me a thief into finding my life income. He said that; if I don’t have my skills (which is right now), I’m just one of those scoundrels whose qualification only suits the need of public service (such as retired security guard, pigeon bread seller, supermarket salesman, government trash collector etc). He accused me of someone who trick people on the internet to make money. He is totally dumb about internet or anything related to computers. He doesn’t know how to speak english. He doesn’t know how to write. But he think he’s smart because of the way he thinks. Personally, I admit he is a rather bit mind active and fluent when talk in public. People sometime impress with the way he come out with something. But then; talking without any real skills involved is just like mama who doesn’t know how to continue papa story. (Waste of time.) He did have skill though; in car spray painting, touch-up, makeover (and some others that related to car). But he failed when the time comes to prove his worthiness. Couple of years ago, he’d shut down his bunk due to a very, very bad management, including his skill serving up his customers need. God have given him a chance and he failed. And he never admit it. He said that the ordeal befallen him is not even a beginning stage of his life. What the hell? You open up a business and then shut down just like that for fun? Losing money, time, inviting people anger (because of very poor performance) is simply just a matter of joke of life? What kind of person are you? You didn’t think about your kid? Your wife? Family?

That’s it. Enough for me. I have skills and I’ve made Profession with it. Means; that my skills are serious enough to be able to support my day life. Not to be making fun of. Tonight I have decided that between us, there is a very huge gap. Sam’s have proved to me that he is more toward worthless than worth to be friend with. He talk thrash, harsh and his attitude is somehow, ‘evil’…I could bash him, punch him, strangle him down to his knees but what’s the point? He’s my friend and I don’t want to spend time in jail just because of an ex-jailer (if I accidentally put him out of his misery). It is best that I avoid him at all cost and continue with my life. I’m gonna leave him. It’s done. We’ve been friends for many, many years. We are not the same. Deep down in my heart, I’m a lovable person. Although my personalities seems (a little bit) harsh, but the truth is; I’m a responsible man. I know when and what between to be serious, and to take a break (relax…). And this guy named Sam seems to doesn’t know the difference. Ta-taa…

At last, I’m here. At last, I will uncover the truth…