Archive for the ‘The Fallen’ Category

I Can’t…

Pride & Truth


sailing on my own

Today’s topic is somewhat hurting… to me. (And to those who could understand.) It goes like this: I have a best and close friend named Azuan. I’m with him when the early days of my achievement in Computer Business. He somehow helped me with many guide and advice about how to make my presence attract more customers. He sit in a place as a ‘regular guy’ who happens to buy products. The topic involved from the start till the end of buying funnel. He support me in every angle. What needed to be change, he would tell. He even suggest some matters that I think are very helpful to perform success. In short; he’s like sailing with me on a ship and gives all he can to build better navigation. I love him as a friend. Whoever come first among my friends, no doubt he is…

But then; nature has its own way to perform. Day by days, I’m beginning to lose respect towards him. Sad, isn’t it? But that’s the truth. He is good in almost everything but himself…He’s weak. He can’t and don’t want to work. He’s by all mean supported by his family. (Especially his mother.) Occasionally; I have to support him – financially. I’m not a rich guy. And he’s no wife to me to be eligible supported. Even if I can; must I be stupid supporting a male who happens to be lazy? I have friends, many, and most of them have found way to be able to stand on their own – no matter how hard and frustrating life could be. Most of them are not rich either. They don’t have enough money to give to their mother and father but at least; they manage to maintain to their own. But Azuan; fails to see how important it is to hold on to self-survival. He just kept going on an on obtaining money in a suspicious way. Don’t ask where he got it because you are sure not going to like about what you’ll hear.

Where do the friendship stands now between me and him? Am I going to pretend all the time nothing happens about what I felt wrong?…(and hurted.) I’ve done every man could do to be a friend to him. But the longer the situation goes; finally I felt like man towards him. Not friend anymore…You got the picture? Means; people sees me as a man but whenever I’m with Azuan; they’ll start to question the reason. I’m a man with an attitude but Azuan is a child who think he’s a man. As a child, stealing is something that can be forgiven (and ask for forgiveness) when you get old.

Not to me….NOT to me…

But that is NOT the main course I’m hurt today…My dad; has been secretly writing letters to his ex-wife. The lady who caused him to be as miserable as he is today. It is not my intention to get in someone personal problem BUT; as a father, he seldom speaks; “I have choose my destiny and that is to be with your mother until the end of time…” to me, his son. Somehow that speech has become a fraud to me… I won’t mind if the lady have brought goodness in his life BUT it is NOT. The impact have cross the line towards our family, and me. He fails as a man who qualified to say; ‘Mind your own business.’ I’m not a fool. They all knows that but my compassion has made many felt safe to take me as a fool. (Taking advantage.) Many talk as they were awesome (since I’m a listener rather than a debater) but the fact is: they are telling something they can’t do just to hide the facts.

Oh God…Why are there so many fraud on your earth?..

As a son who only speaks things that I can do, I can’t accept my father fully. He’s a nice, beloved father and loved by many. But I’m the only person who carries his secret a LOT and kept everything inside to not make thing worse. No doubt I love him but at the same time to look at him as a person who make me feel headache. Being a MAN is the hardest thing to do – that’s why many choose to be softy, simply agrees to thing that they know doesn’t suit them, or by farthest – turn into Transvestites (pondan).

I’m gonna swallow a handful of panadol tonight, and some tranquilizer – so that I felt weak, and goes to sleep without dream. Hopefully. Oh man…I didn’t feel so good.

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Monday, October 23rd, 2017



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October 24, 2017, 12:47 am
 

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Forecast October 25, 2017
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loyalty Dedicate to Farid.
Always in memory (arwah) T.U.D.M (Tentera Udara DiRaja Malaysia), Foreman (car & motorcycle, computer hardware), Sasterawan, & a Loving son.